


Shadows

by buckylogy



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hydra, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2019-11-24 22:02:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18170408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckylogy/pseuds/buckylogy
Summary: Your once peaceful life turns into a nightmare after getting kidnapped by Hydra.Hell opens its gates to envelope you in nothing but nightmares and torture. When darkness almost consumed your soul, the light of one man brings you back to life.





	1. Hell's Gates

**Author's Note:**

> I'm currently working on editing this story. And in case you haven't noticed already, 'With Eyes Like Ice' is now called 'Shadows'. (I was kind of bored with the former title so I decided to change it along with the chapters).

• **1991 — Past**

Clouds covered the sky, while the moon had long since disappeared behind the hills. The trees to the left and right of the gravel road blurred into a dark green when you looked out of the window. Music rushed softly from the radio; the reception in the middle of the woods was horrible. Ignoring the silence of your parents, you continued to look out into the night, but your thoughts were still with your big brother.

Was there even a time when there wasn't a fight between your brother and your father? You couldn't remember—too long the harmonious time had been gone. For a millisecond a doubt floats on the ocean of your thoughts; had it been right to follow your parents while Tony had stayed behind alone? 

While your mother, Maria, could only sit back, hopelessly seeing them fight, you always tried to be the bridge of peace within the family. You hated their arguments though you loved both of them equally with every heartbeat. So by deciding to go with your parents, would Tony think you left him? Would he think you betrayed him? 

No, you told yourself. He was your brother and he knew it was your decision, because you wanted to go. This wasn’t about choosing sides. This was just about you. 

But even though... you felt guilty. Or was it just your gut instinct that told you you had made the wrong decision? 

The darkness waiting outside the car pulled you back into the world of reality. It was the loud bang that resembled an explosion that ran through your body and suddenly your head was filled with an emptiness that soon afterwards gave way to a paralyzing shock. All this happened within seconds.

You noticed too late how your father lost control of the car, noticed too late how the car left the road and crashed into a tree.

Darkness rushed over you, your mother‘s voice whimpering somewhere in the distance. But there was something else. A noise you couldn’t yet define, your mind was a mess. 

What just happened? 

The noise you’d just heard was gone but instead you heard your father‘s voice. Weak. Silent. 

“Sergeant...,“ 

Your ears gave in. But from the one word you heard you knew your father recognized whoever was out there. 

“Y/N,” you heard the desperate voice of your mother, “run, darling,” 

For a moment that felt like forever your heart stopped pumping. Running? Where to? Why? 

“Howard,” Maria cried out. 

Your hands touched the door handle; the noise in your ear paralyzed your consciousness—yet you somehow freed yourself out of the car. Cold wind hit your face, yet you could not feel the cold in your bones. Only now did your gaze fall on the fire that had been kindled by the collision against the tree. Slowly the noise disappeared so that you could hear the crackling of the flames.

The deafness left your body and made you feel your racing heart. As well as the panic that flooded your body.

“Run, darling.”

Run. Slowly you turned around. Sergeant. A man, dark long hair, covered in black clothes. Howard. His left arm looked strange. Run, darling. Your eyes wandered up to his face; the car was the only thing standing between you. Run. And then your eyes met his. Run!

That was when panic crushed your heart. 

You took a step backwards, then another, never leaving his cold gaze. Your mother was right, you had to run, only then would you have a chance to survive this. But that also meant leaving her behind...

 Cold sweat ran down your neck. There was no more time to hesitate as the stranger walked around the car straight towards you. That’s when you turned around, panic in your throat, running into the darkness of the woods. 

For a second you were thankful for keeping your body fit with daily jogging but quickly pushed that thought aside, focusing to not get caught by the many twigs cutting your skin. At least you should’ve put some proper clothes on, you thought but then again, you hadn’t known any of this would happen. 

Squeezing the tears out of your eyes, you ran without a plan where this would end. In the middle of nowhere, no one would find you and in the middle of the night, you had no idea which animal could cross your path. If this stranger wouldn’t find and kill you, then you most likely killed yourself by dehydration or else... 

Trying to swallow the scream of desperation, you looked forward, the fast heartbeat in your ears as your feet carried you on and on. 

Branches cracked and suddenly you crushed to the ground. “Ouch!” Shock numbed your consciousness, keeping you on the ground. You mentally checked your body for any possible injuries but once you’d pulled yourself into your feet you were sure that at least no bones seemed broken. 

Unsteady on your legs, you just realized how much you were out of breath. For how long had you been running? You didn’t know. 

You pushed your hands forward, trying to feel your way through the twigs. When your hands found a tree you quickly but carefully stepped behind it, kneeling down to catch your breath; at least for a few minutes. 

Though exhausted you never lost sight of the noises around you. Only once did you curse your heart for beating so over dramatically loud in your ears so that you almost didn’t hear the cracking branches just mere meters away. 

Thud. Thud. Thud.

Your heartbeat was so strong you feared it might jump out of your rip cage—or worse, he could here it, too. Maybe it’s just an animal, you hoped silently. But animals usually avoided those who took a step into their home. 

It was hopeless. You would die, you knew and for a moment you wished you had stayed with your mother; this way, she would not have died alone—you wouldn’t have to die alone! 

But now here you were, alone with the darkness and a stranger close to kill you. 

Surely, your parents would be found. With you it would be different. 

Thud. Thud. Thud.

Your gaze drifted upwards, looking out for the stars only finding them to be still hidden behind the clouds. You wondered how much time had passed since this all had begun. Hours? Minutes?  

For a moment you played with the thought of taking out your phone—not to call the police, you already knew there was no reception from the memory of the car radio, but it would at least tell you the time... And also tell that guy where you were hiding. 

Thud. Thud. Thud.

Oh gods, you cursed in your thoughts. You just wished your heart would stop those traitorous noises, though it was most unlikely that the guy would even hear them. Paranoia was simply being a bitch to you. 

Maybe, if you closed your eyes, you could trick your mind, telling yourself you were going to be alright. Right, like that’s going to happen, you laughed in your mind. 

You breathed out slowly, quietly. Head falling back against the tree-trunk, you tried to relax your sore muscles. It did not work however, because before you knew it, cold fingers wrapped around your throat.

Like ice had been pushed down your throat you breathed out a noiseless scream. Your lips tremble as cold tears run down your cheeks. 

There was no thought left in your head, no last prayer toward your already dead parents.

And your brother... 

Everything around you collided into a world full of nothingness. At least you wouldn’t feel any pain. At least you would join your parents very soon. There was only one question that followed you into the darkness:

Why did this happen?

* * *

 

Your eyes flutter open only barely. Immediately the ache in your head crushed your nerves. 

You try to reciprocate what brought you here, but the pain behind your eyes only increased. 

It felt like all your memories were blocked, locked behind a wall of pain. Suddenly nausea joined in and although you had no idea where the hell you were right now, since everything was dark, the world started spinning around so fast you couldn’t help it anymore. 

And just like that, you passed out again. 

Darkness welcomes you as you open your eyes. Your body shivers due to the coldness enveloping your skin. You have lost count on the days, hours, minutes and seconds that already passed. 

Everything feels numb. The only thing you keep on swallowing down your throat is fear. 

Your senses come back slowly. First, your hearing, which a distant drop of a broken wire tells you. Your sense of touch, which makes you aware that your hands above your head are tied to a metal chain. Your feet fall into emptiness. The smell of copper and rust irritates your nose. Judging by the pain in your left temple, a laceration must be the reason. Only your eyes deceive you, for everything around you is still shrouded in darkness. No matter how hard you try to emphasize a contrast; it's no use; the darkness doesn't move.

You bite your bottom lip until a line of blood runs down your chin. Still you have no clue what brought you here. 

The air around you is hard to breathe; it feels like cotton wool fills your lungs. 

“Please...,” you whispered, “if someone’s here, tell me who you are. Tell me why I’m here. If you want money, you’ll get it. Everything. I did nothing wrong...” Your plea silences in hot tears. 

Noises in the distance make you sit up and take notice. A small glimmer of hope, but above all panic, flows from your heart through your whole body.

The squeaking of a steel door almost rips your eardrum apart. That noise alone is torture enough for your fragile body. Never before have you felt so small and helpless. No one would show up to save you. Your parents were dead. Your brother? Did he know about this by now? Would anyone do anything to find you? The chances were too small. The police would file it as a simple accident and after they gave up searching for you, they would also declare you dead.

Footsteps echo through the room, coming torturously slowly towards you. Cold breath touches your face. The hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. 

“Welcome back, (Y/N) Stark,” the man’s voice spoke. You could clearly hear the accent, as you could only barely understand him. 

The way the man talked to you had you assuming he must’ve met you before. There was only one problem; you couldn’t remember him. Even though your mind was a mess right now, you were sure you would recognize someone you had pissed off at some point in your life. 

“Why am I here?” You asked carefully. A sudden pain tears your cheek. Trying to swallow down your cries, you keep your voice steady. “Where am I?” Another wave of pain crushes your cheek. 

You can feel the blood on your tongue but don’t dare to spit it out. Instead you try to create a picture of the man before you in your mind as you still couldn’t see him. As his voice reached your ears from underneath your skin, you guess he must’ve been smaller than you. Though you couldn’t say that for sure, either, with your feet hanging above the ground. 

There was only one way to get more information out of that man, even though you were not getting yourself in a saver condition through that. 

“Well, fuck you,” you spit out, your blood hopefully hitting his face. A fist crashed into your stomach, pushing every breath of air out of your lungs. 

“What a pity girl we have here.” His voice hushed silent as though he brought some distance between them. “Maybe it is time for the next step.” 

One, two, three seconds where your heart stops beating; your pulse explodes. You try to listen into the silence, but no matter how much you try to concentrate, the silence wouldn’t dare an answer. Then, without a warning another wall of pain burns right through you. Not a second passed in which you could try to figure out what it was. First, your left shoulder is stabbed, followed by a stab through your abdomen. Your tears and cries wouldn’t come to an end for about half an hour. 

“Don’t worry, I am not going to kill you.” He gives you a moment to catch your breath but as the moment passes the damage that’s been done reaches your brain. You couldn’t feel a part of your body that had not been burned by that metal stab. 

Gritting your teeth, you wait for the next battle to come. Whatever he wanted from you, you were far from ready to give it to him. He wanted to see you suffer in pain? Well, he had a long way to go. 

* * *

 

The knife cuts your skin one last time, opening parts of your body to release your life-depending serum. The many wounds on your body burned like hell. They were everywhere; on your arms, your legs, your chest. Some deeper than others. 

Footsteps fall apart, the man’s voice stating in the distance, “We are done here.” 

Your breath is weak, almost unnoticeable. The pain feels unbearable and you want nothing more than to fall apart. It was when fluorescent light exploded in your eyes that nausea hit your stomach. Hot acid pushes its way up your throat, and though you try everything to swallow it back down, it eventually crumbles out of your mouth, emptying your stomach with the last pieces of food you had eaten before. 

Now that the light seemed to awaken the room, you look up at your arms, look down your chest and legs, to finally take a look at your damaged figure. To say you looked horrible would be the understatement of the year. With enough luck the many bleeding and burned wounds would not infect later. Well, the blood and the pain you could handle. What you couldn’t handle however, was the vomit all over your (not anymore) white top and the smell of sticky acid in your nose. 

Only now do you recognize the mirror in front you on the wall. Taking in the full view of your body, you sigh out in devastation. Never have you felt this weak before. You feel how every part of your body, one by one, starts to feel numb and eventually your eyes roll back towards your brain.   

You didn’t recognize the two men in the room next to yours looking through the glass and into your chamber. They stare in silence at your unconscious figure and how and how your body, almost dead, hung from the ceiling.

 

“We have reached the limit. Start with the tests. Now,” one of them commanded. 

Flickering light drew you out of the safety of your unconsciousness and back into the cold of the bulky chamber. The pain still pounded vehemently behind your temples. As you try to move you feel the resistance. Feeling the cold metal under your back you just realize that you had been chained onto a table. You try to fight the chains only to get hit of what remained from the torture. The pain flows through every cell of your body, leaving you as nothing but a human wreck. 

“She’s awake. Start it,” a voice commanded inside the darkness of the room. Footsteps broke through the following silence. Your mind was still too blurred to recognize the man, now standing in front of you. The next thing you felt is a slight stich in the crook of your arm. 

“What are you doing?” You asked weakly. 

No one answered, the silence continued to fill the sticky room. Slowly but surely your heart began to run faster. Trying to fight the chains, despite the almost unbearable pain, you gave everything to escape this situation. But nothing moved. Of course, you thought helplessly, I’m not Captain fucking America after all. 

Looking at the IV in your arm, your skin broke out in cold sweat as a strange looking serum flew into your veins. 

The moment the syrupy thick serum collided with your blood, you screamed out hysterically, your blood feeling like it was on fire. 

Too unbearable was the pain, the burning, the panic. It was so much easier to faint and since your mind couldn’t handle the stress any longer, it opened it armes to your consciousness to follow it into the darkness. 

* * *

 

Waking up was everything but easy. The pain came back immediately and you wondered if there had been a moment where it even was gone. Finally, your eyes opened only for you to realize that you had lost control. You saw your body lying on the cold floor but you couldn’t even raise a finger to touch the air. It’s like your soul was sealed away in your body, both parts not connected with another. With no voice left to fight, you sat there, your back resting against the wall. 

Your eyes flickered around the room, slowly trying to reciprocate what had happened and where you were this time. The small chamber was a lot more comfortable, though definitely colder than the last one, its walls and floors made out of iron. A weak breeze got carried through the too tiny window, too high for you to reach. 

Voices in the distance echoed through the floors, and eventually reached your ears even through the metallic door. Your so young heart came back to life within seconds, pumping blood through your veins, from your chest to your limbs. They were coming for you, no doubt. 

Within seconds your guess was confirmed; a tall man, wide shoulders, long hair, that was all his silhouette gave away. The way he walked toward you; almost floating through the air, with shoulders strong and confident - you’d seen that somewhere, and when you saw into his ice-cold eyes, you knew it was him. 

With trembling lips you looked up at him, wanting to break the eye-contact, barely mumbling the words, “Please... leave me alone...”,

Whether he understood you or not, he ignored it either way, grabbing your shoulder with his metal hand, dragging you wordlessly through the floor. 

* * *

 

Time lost its meaning after the many times you’d passed out, left with no telltale sign whether it was day or night. By now you’d lost too many pieces of your memories. What had happened between the time you were dragged out of your cell, and you now, chained onto a table, again? Did anything happen between these moments at all? Your mind was left in nothing but chaos and pain. You stood on the edge of giving up. Clearly, there was no reason left to fight; no reason left to find out why this was happening. 

When the light flickered back to life, when footsteps tore you out of your losing mind, you opened your eyes to find the same man who had tortured you so many times. 

Strangely, you felt no fear for this man. Actually, you didn’t fear anything. Not anymore, and for the blink of an eye you were amazed. Anger pushed its way up to your throat. The screams you’d pushed down the many times before, they were freed. The bald chubby man at the end of the table grinned at you widely, as you tried yet again to break the chains around your joints. 

“Yeah, just laugh at me, asshole,” you spat out, every inch of your body filled with hatred, “Do what you want with me, I’m no longer afraid of you and your group of morons!” 

“I’m wondering where this new confidence comes from, little girl...,” the man laughed, “However, it will not last long.” Your y/e/c eyes sparkled in a new kind of darkness. 

“I promise you, I will get out of here, and when I do, you will live to regret what you did to me and my family!” With every second that passed your hatred grew with no end. “Hn, ‘family’...,” the little man laughed, and stepped back into the darkness. 

Breathing heavily, you tried to leave the climax of your anger - eventually realizing that every muscle in your body was beyond tension. 

You had to find a way to get out of here, no matter what it would take. The question was; how?

Fluorescent light crashed the rods in your eyes, and you almost choked your own spit in agonizingly pain. 

Something behind you moved. No. Something wasmoved right behind your head. You’d no idea what was about to come, but you were ready, breathing slowly in and out, shutting your eyes to wait for what was about to happen. One last word was about to leave your mouth, but the sudden ‘robotic arm’ closed itself around the back of your head. 

Electricity shot through your head, into your brain and behind your eyes you saw all your thoughts exploding. Your body tensed in an amount that was beyond bearable, leaving you out of control. You could do nothing, think about nothing, as the pain dominated every part of your body and soul. 

The blood in your veins was boiling hot, a feeling that was only an addition to your already agonizing pain. 

He stood there in the corner of the room, like a shadow in the darkness. His deadly eyes were on you and only on you, motionlessly watching every move of your body. 

The Winter Soldier could feel it - the power that filled the room, more and more. His body on autopilot, he prepared himself to fight you, should you break free. The corner of his mouth twitched at the thought, while the adrenaline rushed through his blood. 

Then suddenly, all lights exploded and a wave of pure energy whirled through the small chamber. A moment of complete darkness followed in which his eyes quickly got used to the strange glowing light that soon lighted the darkness. The chains had been broken, your fragile figure standing ghostly on the floor, with your long strands covering your face. Dead eyes were taking in everything they found in the room, eventually landing on him, staring him down as if calculating whether he was going to become a threat. 

Bare feet stepped slowly through the room, heading towards the door. 

“Go get her!” The HYDRA agent commanded as he got to his feet, and instantly the Soldier’s instincts crawled to life. Three steps were needed to reach your weakened figure; three steps were needed to grab you by your shoulder, pulling you away from the door handle. Turning on your heels due to the Soldier’s force, you were now standing right in front of him, and even though your body worked on its own - in the distance of your mind you recognized the height difference between the two of you. You barely reached his shoulders, and next to him, you rather looked like a puppet. 

This time however, fear wouldn’t see the best of you. You forced yourself to remain steady. 

“Don’t touch me, ever again,” your voice threatened. Anger and hatred shot forward, controlling your mind as you turned around once more to reach for the door handle. “Soldat!” The agent’s voice shot through the room, affecting the Winter Soldier once again. Out of the corner of your eye you saw his metal arm coming for you again, but before he could even touch you, your left arm shot forward together with the determination to leave this place. It both surprised and shocked you when the assassin flew backwards and crushed the wall at the end of the room. The green light that embraced his body almost seemed like an armor that protected him and it had come out of your own bare hands. 

You had no idea where how to get out, but that didn’t matter, as your naked feet carried you blindly through the halls. In the back of your head the question where what’d just happened and where your powers came from, went ignored as your mind was now set on standby. With the adrenaline rushing through your blood, you didn’t care that, all of a sudden, you seemed to run faster than you’d had ever before.

The halls were endless - only leading you deeper into the bunker. It was then that sirens started screaming, red lights above the doors going on and off, disturbing your vision. 

Seconds later gunshots tore your eardrums apart, the agents obviously coming dangerously close to you. Reaching the end of the hall, you came yet to another stop, deciding which direction you should choose. You had no idea, so you decided to go for the left corridor, and just as you’d run around the corner, another shot cut the thick air in half. 

Slowly but surely your lungs betrayed you, but you ran faster either way - you wouldn’t allow them to continue their tests on you. 

Too late did you hear the telltale sound of his footsteps. The Soldier came to a halt, raised his gun and focused on your small, running figure. Then, a loud shot echoed through the floor. 

Before the pain, there was the shock, as you fell to the floor. Your eyes remained wide open as you lay there, unable to move, waiting for him to get you to bring you back into the room of torture. 

 

But as he kneeled down next to you, you felt your heart exploding in your chest - as ice cold  eyes stare into your y/e/c orbs. That’s when your mind came back to consciousness, and you could suddenly see a different kind of sparkle behind the soldier’s eyes. It was gone within a second, and the soldier was on his feet again, grabbing your wounded body to carry you back through the cold dark halls. 


	2. Holding On To What's Left

You‘d thought they would punish you after your recent attempt to get away but, all they did was locking you away, leaving you in the cold dark prison made of iron. Weeks passed and no one came by to see you. That meant no more tests, luckily but, it also meant no food, no water, no answers to your many questions. During those days and nights, you didn’t know what time it was, you spent your time thinking. Thinking about your lost family, your future, your life. But most of all, you thought about the incident and your new gained powers.

Images of how the Soldier flew backwards without your bare touch, and that strange green light protecting his body right before had crashed into the wall - it was like a movie repeating itself behind your eyes over and over again.

At least you now had one answer; you knew what they’d done to you. You were one of their projects, for sure. You were going to be their super-human-weapon-something. The one question that was left was why. Why you? Why now?

Your head rested against the cold wall behind you, and you gazed up into the darkness, focusing on the chilly air embracing your skin. It was really the only proof that you were indeed still alive, since they’d ripped your soul out of your body, leaving behind nothing but an empty shell.

The tsunami of thoughts shattered into nothing and you looked straight into these cold blue eyes of the same soldier you’d crossed path with more than enough. Staring into his winter-blue eyes, you found something shifting behind his gaze.

“Hey,” he spoke softly, almost as though his voice would hurt you, “thought you might be hungry,”

His eyes never left yours as he pushed the plate through the lattice bars. You didn’t notice the tension in your body, already on guard, ready to react if necessary. You sat there, frozen in place, watching him, trying to guess what this was about. What’s happening, you questioned. Was this some kind of silly trick? Was he trying to poison you, or to torture you by showing you what you wouldn’t have? The soldier seemed to notice your uneasiness, your doubting thoughts.

“You can have it, it isn’t poisoned, I promise,” he said, voice kept low. “Yeah, like your promise means anything to me,” you spat in disgust.

He closed his eyes and sighed, obviously looking for the right words. “I know you don’t trust me, and you have every reason to do so, but do you think I would be here, bringing you food after you haven’t gotten any in weeks? Have you even considered I am doing this without permission?” You were taken aback by his explanation. Maybe he was right, after all, but what really convinced you was the fact that this was the first time you actually heard him speak.

With your mind still on guard, you grabbed the plate, carefully bringing it closer towards your body. For a few seconds you did nothing but stare at the strange looking food in front of you, though there was barely light to look at it properly.

“So,” you asked, taking the spoon to get your first taste, “why are you doing this?” Too many questions shot through your mind this time; why was he talking to you all of a sudden, he’d been so cold before, almost seemed like a robot and then there was this strange look in his eyes, they looked so different now, almost humble. It seemed as though a different person creeped out of his character. He sighed, exhausted and confused like he was sure you wouldn’t believe a word that would come out of his mouth.

“I don’t understand why I’m doing this, either. All I remember is you throwing me backwards- well, not you but this light, and since then, all kinds of memories come back to me, but I don’t know which of them belong to me, and not the soldier...” His steel blue eyes never left your focus, looking for the slightest lie in his words. “It’s like your... whatever your power is, brought me back. Well, a part of myself- I remember falling off a train, waking up with a metal arm; I saw Howard and Maria Stark, but that’s all. It feels like I’m no longer alone in my head, like some memories belong to someone else and now I’m here...”

“And now you, what, want me to do it again until you’re back to your old self? What’s your plan? Running off and hoping to live peacefully after all you’ve done?!”

“Isn’t this exactly what you should work on? Getting away from here?” He silenced himself, thinking about his next words, “I can help you. But I need you to help me remembering who I am. Use your magic on me again. I’m a prisoner, just like you,”

“And how do you think I’m supposed to do that?” Your food was forgotten on the floor, too furious at his words, “I mean it’s not I can control this- hell, I don’t even know what this is!” Before anyone else could hear you, you decided to keep quiet, tears burning hot in the corner of your eyes. “I can’t help you,” you muttered, “and why should I? You killed them, you took them away from me, so tell me, why should I help the man who killed my parents?”

For the first time his cold eyes turned warm, saddened, betrayed. “I wish I could undo all the things I’ve done, but I can’t. Since then, faces of those I’ve killed followed me into my dreams. I’m not the one you think I am,”

“Then, for God’s sake tell me, who are you?” Slowly but surely you were getting tired of his dusty explanations. “Who are you and who’s the ‘other one’ in your head, huh?”

Another exhausted sigh left his mouth, brown strands covering his eyes. “Sergeant Barnes, that’s what Howard called me,” The memory was still there. You hadn’t understood everything back then, only how your father weakly spoke those words; ‘Sergeant’. He’d known him, and now that you’d heard his last name, everything else settled.

How many times had your father told you about Captain America? The boy from Brooklyn who’d put a stop to the war; and he had helped to create that super soldier. Steve Rogers and his best friend James B. Barnes. Both were thought to be dead, and yet, here you sat, in front of the man who supposedly died during a mission.

“This... can’t be, no,” you stuttered, your hand wandering absentmindedly towards his face. Both of your eyes were caught in the other’s gaze, neither of you noticing how your fingers came to rest on his cheek. Your lips trembled; this was in no way possible. Why was he alive? And why did he look like he hadn’t aged since his fall?

Eventually he broke free, and with him your hands shied away from his face as though they’ve been burned. “What is it?”

Should you really tell him, risking it would become too much for him to bear? “I, I think it’s better if I’d show you, only that I don’t know how I can do that. I haven’t used ‘it’ since then, and I don’t know if I can. Until I threw you against the wall, I had no clue I had those powers,” you explained desperately.

Suddenly things began to change, your mind worked again, collecting new strength and hope. You had no idea what that power was, but you could try and use it to get you out of here.

His mouth was about to open when suddenly, doors opened and closed in the distance. “You have to try. I will come back and until then, try to figure out what your powers are about,” He was on his feet again, turning around but your words stopped him before he could leave.

“Find out what they want from me, James. And after I’ve figured ‘this’ out, we will leave this place.”

He didn’t respond, only walked off with one thought in his mind. James. My name is Sergeant James Barnes.

Now that he knew who he was, he felt like he could fight the Soldier inside his head. Although he had no memories of his past, he was thrilled to fight to become the person he once was. He would do everything to get you out safely. That was the only one good thing he could do after all the bad things he’d done.

* * *

More than just a few weeks must’ve passed, you assumed, where you waited for Barnes to meet you. He didn’t - no one did and you began to worry that they might’ve found out that he’d been with you, talking to you, but then again they’d come to you as well, right? The whole situation got to your mind pretty much and you couldn’t even spend a night without headaches. Would he come back, would he tell you why you were here and what they’d done to you? Or had it been, after all, a silly try to manipulate you?

Pictures of his sky-blue eyes passed your memories, again you recognized the pain and betrayal in them. Of course it was possible that he’d been trained to lie perfectly, but you hadn’t noticed anything suspicious in his behavior back then.

There was no use spending these thoughts about him over and over again. Instead, you focused back on yourself. There wasn’t too much you’d found out as of yet; only that you were apparently able to heal wounds with only the slightest touch of your fingers. But that didn’t explain why you’d been able to sent Barnes flying into the next wall. Was it possible that you’d gained more than just healing powers? The thought formed in your head that maybe, you possibly had access to super human strength. As ridiculous as that sounded, it was the only explanation to your actions at your latest attempt to get away. Although this seemed promising to get you out of here, you were feared at the same time. What if you hurt someone innocent? Would you ever be able to control your strength? As of now, you weren’t sure of course on whether or not you had that super strength, so you breathed out slowly, trying to calm down your furious heart.

You decided to wait until Barnes came back, then tell him about what you’d found out and what you guessed. It would be too risky to find out on your own, as tickling as that thought alone might’ve been.

When was the last time you got something to eat? Right, when Barnes had come to see you weeks ago. Your stomach hurt, your mind was dizzy, your dry mouth screamed for water.

A thought crossed your mind; you’d been able to heal the last remains of your stab wounds, so would you be able to heal the screams of dehydrated body as well? It’s worth a try, you thought, although a stomach crying for food and water wasn’t anything that could be ‘healed’. You focused on the parts of your body that kept you in pain; in that case your head and stomach. Imagining how the warming green energy embraced these parts, you tried to concentrate on the healing process. Of course it didn’t work, these weren’t some symptoms of sickness or wounds at all, it was only your body acting on instinct; craving for energy.

You’d thought that, after you’d starved for food and water during the weeks before Barnes came to see you, you were accustomed to hunger. But after you’d been given food by Sergeant Barnes, your head probably thought the hard times were over.

Now that you thought about it, leaving you alone craving for food was one of their old methods of torturing you. Simple but effective. You couldn’t even stand on your feet any more, it took too much strength you currently didn’t have; one more reason why ‘super human strength’ wasn’t a thing to think about at this moment.

“I’m sorry for being late, I was sent on a mission and...,” you forgot about your sudden surprise, the shock in your heartbeat as the soldier fell on his knees in front of your eyes, trembling and shivering like a rotten wreck.


	3. Between Present And Past

Though time continued to tick, you felt like everything froze in place. He lay unconsciously on the cold ground, strands of his dark hair covering his beautiful face. Only now did you realize the shock had sent your lungs into shock, too, as you gasped for air and by doing so, you eventually escaped the psychogenetic shock. Absentmindedly you got to your feet, running to the other end of the cage where the Sergeant lay. You were on your knees once more, your hands reaching for his body through the bars of the cage. While petite hands came to rest on his heavy chest you didn’t realize how cold tears built up in the corner of your eyes. Green light flickered to life, the energy of its power shooting through his veins to search for the soldier’s wounds. 

“Come on, Barnes I need you,” you pleaded in a whisper as you continued to send your healing light through his vessel. “We’ll get out of here, together but I need you to keep fighting.”

~~~

_“You ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?”_

_He looked at the man next to him. Somewhere in the back of his mind that man was familiar to him, but he found himself lost._

_“Hell, no! The little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb not to run away from a fight. I'm following him.”_

_The words blurted out of his mouth without control. Bucky had no idea of what was going on, nor where he was right now. The body he was caught in spoke with the sound of his voice, but he had no control and that scared him. He could only watch through the vessel’s eyes. Whatever he tried, it felt like he was chained to this body. A soul bound to an empty vessel; that’s how it felt. But still, it felt so familiar..._

~~~

As the procedure went on you began to wonder why no one had come to see him, they’d must’ve seen him when he’d come back after all. You quickly decided to not pay any attention to it however, so you shoved it into the back of your mind. After you had examined his unconscious figure you leaned against the cold bars of your cage, breathing out a desperate sigh. Nothing. Despite a few bruises, you’d found nothing that would explain his state of being.

Had he only been exhausted to collapse in front of you? Was it the trauma he experienced during his mission? As your mind stumbled across the latter thought you began to pay some further attention to your mind. 

You couldn’t even imagine what he must’ve been through during his mission. His world, torn in half, pictures of a time he couldn’t remember flashing up behind his eyes while his hands broke necks, fingers pulled the trigger, fists pushed knives into chests.

Not only his world was turning upside down; his identity did so, too. His body an assassin, his mind a brave soldier of the United States. 

Though the blood of your parents was on his hands, now that you knew who he truly was, you could not blame him anymore. He’d had no other choice back then — until your powers hit him, reached his mind and caused the walls around his memories to slowly break, step by step. The look on his face when you’d told him his name — it was still right there, as if it had been just yesterday — that look had knocked the breath out of your lungs. He’d looked to lost, like a little boy who lost it all, defeated and weak.

~~~

_The wind crashed his body, dry and ice cold and yet his hands grabbed the cold metal, the last piece that kept him from falling. He looked down and saw the emptiness underneath him; mountains covered in snow,  the canyon opening its mouth, ready to consume him._

_“Grab my hand!”_

_Again, he was out of control in this scene, this... whatever it was. He looked through the vessel’s eyes and that’s when Bucky saw him again. Blond hair, blue eyes, a uniform that looked too unique to be worn by an ordinary man. ‘Who is he? And why am I seeing him, over and over again?’_

_A flash lighted up somewhere in the fog of long lost memories but before Bucky could grab them, he fell. No, not him but the body he was stuck to._

_He had been so close to remember him but he’d lost the string as he saw how the man on the train held out his hand, desperately._

_Crispy air filled his lungs and Bucky couldn’t breathe any longer, too caught up in the moment and the shock of falling._

~~~

“James,” you pleaded between your sobs, “wake up, please!”

Helplessness. The worst thing a human being could feel and it paralyzed your soul. You couldn’t do anything but watch his unconscious form lying on the ground. He was so close and yet so far away, caught somewhere in his past, lonely and helpless. Despite everything you’d come to endure in this prison of Hydra, your spirits came back to life, fighting to survive, fighting to live. But you wouldn’t get anywhere without him, because the Sergeant was a prisoner as well, but other than you he’d been used as a puppet, doing their dirty work in Hydra’s name. The wish to save him was so strong that you suddenly wondered why you cared so much. Yes, he was an ally but there had to be a deeper meaning for you to share his pain, his suffering; you just couldn’t put a finger on it. The only thing you did know for sure was that you had to get out of here before anyone could find you, because if they did, they would take him away from you and probably they would wipe away his memories again. 

~~~

_“The thing is, you don’t have to. I’m with you ‘til the end of the line, pal.”_

_There he was again. The same man, the same blue eyes and that blond hair... but something was off. This time, he looked down on him. The man was small, so fragile. The man who spoke with his voice, the vessel he was stuck to, grabbed the stranger’s shoulder and for a second Bucky was shocked; even through the clothes he could feel the bones, the thin skin. This couldn’t be real. The last time he’d seen this man, he was taller than him, his body full of strength and a will that could never be broken. But this version was the complete opposite; sad, defeated, lost and broken._

_Suddenly his vision blurred out once more, the scene vanished, just like the ones before._

~~~

Your heart felt like it was about to explode; you could hear it beating in your ears, too fast to count and the sound of blood rushing through your veins was making you sick. Only barely did you push down the acids that were crawling up your throat. Gods, was this what real panic felt like? You felt like you were about to die as you were unable to control your own body and that knowledge alone was enough to push you over the edge. You were losing it. Everything. The invisible rope around your throat only tightened, cutting you off of what kept you alive; oxygen.

The desire to scream was strong but since your lungs fought for another breath you were forced to remain silent. You were really out of control. Was there even a chance to escape all this?

~~~

_“Don’t do anything stupid until I get back.”_

_“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.” That sad look again and still he was trying to hide his worries behind a smile. But he knew him enough to see behind his mask._

_He knew him. The man he’d been talking to in every scene, it had always been him, his best friend. Steven Grant Rogers._

_“You’re a Punk.”_

_“...Jerk.”_

_Two kids from Brooklyn who used to look out for each other. They were like family. Nothing and no-one could separate them, that he’d been sure of before he was sent into the battlefields._

_The pieces eventually settled down. The puzzle of memories was finally completed after all this time. For the first time, Bucky knew who he was—who he really was._

_But most of all; he knew what he had to do right now._

~~~

Tears ran down like a waterfall, just as cold and unable to hold back. You wouldn’t last much longer, that you were sure of. The oxygen in your blood was running out and you saw how everything around you faded—

Until a strong hand came to rest on your cheek. 

“We have to get out of here, now.”


	4. Let Me Have A Little Faith For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A ray of hope lights your heart but right before you’ve reached your goal, the truth shatters your world - your past included.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • Angst // Some Fluff (I guess?)

• **1992, January 1st — HYDRA basement**

 

Even while kneeling in front of your cage, his hands holding on to the lattice bars to steady his position, his breath heavy, the blue of his eyes vanished due to his dilated pupils - your heart ached strangely as you looked at the Sergeant’s poor figure trying to find back into reality. 

But still, his words echoed in your mind.

 

“I know we have to get out but, look at you. You can’t even sit straight. You... you need to get some rest, okay?” The words blurted out of your mouth, you hadn’t had time to think them through. You waited for an answer but only listened to his trembling breath. You wanted to reach your hands out, to help him, heal him, give him the strength you didn’t have. Why, while in this situation, was he so determined to get out? There couldn’t have been a worse time. 

 

“James,” you stumbled weakly, tears ready to leave your eyes. 

 

“Bucky,” he stuttered, looking up to meet your eyes through dark strands of his hair. You sent him a questioning gaze, not getting what he was referring to. 

 

“Call me Bucky,” the Sergeant explained, “that’s how Steve used to call me, too.” 

 

Your heart sank and eventually you let your tears fall. This man in front of you wasn’t the monster who killed your parents. But then again, why did you feel so torn? You wanted to trust him, to get the hell out of here. You felt sorry for him for losing everything, for being turned into a monster. However, the other darker part of your mind told you to stay away from him, because everything that meant ‘danger’ radiated off his body. 

 

Desperation floated your body once again and all you wanted was to scream in agony, somewhere in the back of your mind still hoping that this was nothing but a nightmare. 

Of course he wouldn’t get any kind of rest. How should he? There was no one besides you who cared a damn about the Sergeant. It was hopeless nonetheless but ‘Bucky’ was right. You had to get out, now or never. Neither of you could tell how much longer you would last. They could very well put his brain on ice every minute. And you? What would they do to you, eventually? Trying to do what they’d already done to him? 

 

_Project Winter?_

 

Where’d you heard that? Those two words had just popped up behind your eyes, managed to catch you off guard. Never had the Sergeant mentioned these words in front of you, nor had any of HYDRA’s scientists, well, not that you could remember. 

 

“Bucky,” you sighed, cautious of your words, “is there anything you’ve found out about their plans? About me?” You remembered your plea you’d directed at him before he went off on that mission. Chances were small - you could tell that HYDRA trusted him as far as you could throw a rock - but maybe he’d heard them whispering, speaking carefully about their future plans. 

 

Just as you’d guessed Bucky looked at you with confused bright blue eyes. He was still caught between his recent memories and the foggy reality of HYDRA’s basement. You could see how he searched through his messed up mind and once he’d caught up to you he shook his head disappointedly. 

 

“I’m sorry, I... I had no chance. I didn’t have a clue of where to search for any information. Whenever I walk around these floors it feels like I’ve never walked them before. My head’s a mess. I’m a mess, I’m sorry, I promised you I know but, ... I cannot sort my memories, these images in my head. Really, I’m-“ 

 

“It’s okay, Bucky,” you interrupt him softly, your hand resting softly on his cheek. Looking into these bright sky blue eyes you felt like he was a lost puppy whose mother was gone, like he was walking lonely through an abandoned city. “As long as we’ll get out of here safely it’ll be alright.”

 

~~~

 

From the many stories you’d heard about Captain America you could now tell for sure that the soldier‘s strength was similar, if not equal to Cap‘s. Which meant that whatever he had went through, at some point they must’ve given him a serum close to Steve‘s. You didn’t know the details but still enough to assume that HYDRA had experimented until they‘d created a serum that would beat Cap‘s, or at least would come close. So when the Sergeant bent the lattice bars with his bare hands (one made of metal) enough for you to climb out of the cage, you knew you were standing in front of some superhuman being. You should’ve been afraid of him and weeks ago you had been indeed, until HYDRA had done the same to you. With your self-healing ability and the ability to somehow even manage to heal mental scars you would now no longer declare yourself ‘human’,too. 

 

With your hands on the cold floor you tried to push yourself back onto your feet but you only managed to stand tall for a second before your weak legs trembled, finally giving in and when your head was close to collide with the ground, a strong arms shot forward, grabbed yours and pulled you up. It seemed the soldier underestimated his strength as your face hit his chest instead of the floor. Your petite dirty hands held onto his waist unconsciously, neither of you noticed this when your eyes met with a spark of hope and freedom. 

 

“You okay?” He asked a little out of breath, maybe because he was as overwhelmed as you about the sudden contact of skin and flesh. Your unspoken words hand in the thick air, so you nodded shyly instead of a spoken answer. “I know you’re right. We’re both not in the condition to do what we’re about to do. With my messed up mind and your starving body we will most likely die than making it out alive but we have to try nonetheless.” 

You needn’t answer, you knew exactly what your ‘plan’ meant but let his words pass your mind either way. Bucky’s next words however left you speechless for a different reason.

 

“Do you trust me?” 

 

You felt your heart pumping in your throat and you quickly swallow the upcoming nausea. No matter how much empathy you felt for that man, would you be able to trusthim?He himself admitted that his mind was far from steadfast. But then again, neither was yours... right? And what if they somehow managed to manipulate him while you tried to break out? Could you trust him enough to not lounge at you when they ordered him to? 

Everything in your mind told you not to trust him and yet you relied silently, “I do.” 

 

The soldier looked at you for seconds as if calculating how much he could trust you.After all this blood and torture he’d had no one for decades to trust. He was ripped off his personality, his memories, his life, his family and friends. Your physical condition was another point he added to his doubts. You could barely stand on your own feet and even if he carried you piggyback, he wouldn’t be able to fight HYDRA’s agents even if their abilities meant nothing against his own. With you next to him there were plainly too many risks. And yet there was no other way. 

 

He had to do it, whatever it would cost. 

* * *

You were only three feet away from the door and already out of breath. Bucky walked ahead, covering your small figure easily behind his broad shoulders. You tried hard not to fall behind, focusing on his back so your mind wouldn’t get lost in dizziness. Before you‘d realized, Bucky pulled you into the next corridor and pushed you flat against the wall, motioning for you to stay silent. With the shock still in your throat you couldn’t make a sound anyway so you nodded at him through the darkness. How the soldier was even able to see anything was beyond you, but you assumed that the serum must’ve had a play in this as well. 

 

He came to a halt next to you with his metal arm protectively around your torso. Your heart jumped in surprise at this gesture. Sure, you both wanted, needed to get out of here but it had been clear that if not the both of you, at least one of you wouldn’t make it out alive. Was this his way of redemption then? His way of ‘payback’ after getting you into this whole mess? You silently hoped he had other motives than this. It felt strange to admit, to even think about it, but you didn’t want him to die for you. No, you didn’t want him to die at all and that bothered you somehow. Even after everything you had difficulties to really accept him into your heart. 

 

You had now idea how long you’d been pressed up against the wall when suddenly voices reached your ears. The echos were unable to understand due to your strong heartbeat that echoed in your ears and you feared they would hear it as well. 

 

When they passed and the halls were silent once more Bucky’s figure relaxed eventually. The serum had sharpened his senses completely, you noticed while your feet fell into slowly steps behind your ally. 

 

While you tried to copy his movements you listened closely to every little noise that reached your ears. A voice in the distance? Another cruel machine that fulfilled their dirty plans? You couldn’t identify any of these noises and you couldn’t help but feel useless next to Bucky. Then again, he was a trained assassin, a perfect weapon with superhuman strength and sharpened senses. All you had was... a power you could hardly control and no idea what it was exactly. 

 

“Something’s off,” His words broke through the silence and you nearly jumped at the sound of his voice. You came to a halt and looked up at him, his blue eyes the only light in this darkness. “What?” You tried to keep your voice as low as possible.

 

“No guards, no agents. It’s like everyone’s out and gone.” He guided you into the next room after he’d checked it in and out. You followed close behind him and heard the door being closed right after. For a second the fear that you’d fallen for a trick came up but that thought was blown away after your eyes met his once again. You could swear that those eyes could never betray you, as naive as it was, you couldn’t help it.

 

“What’s going on?” You ask in a mere whisper. Bucky’s eyes hushed through the room, making sure one last time that you were alone. 

 

“As I said; something’s wrong. They never let their guards down. Never. HYDRA is careful. Either they’re gathered in some kind of meeting, and I doubt that that’s the case, or they’re suspicious of our plan.”

 

His words hit your ears, echoing through the depths of your mind and left you dizzy. They nearly caught you off guard and you grabbed for the next piece of furniture to steady your legs. You huffed weakly, watching as your legs began shaking more and more. 

 

“The- They can’t,” you mumbled, “I mean, how should they? If you haven’t told them anything than this is crazy. I don’t know, maybe it’s coincidence? Those things happen from time to time.” You told the latter rather yourself than him, pushing yourself on your feet once more as your hand left the table. It was then that sheets of paper followed your hand, slowly falling to the ground.

 

If your eyes wouldn’t have caught your name written on one of them you wouldn’t have paid any attention to them. 

 

Now you’re on your knees, carefully picking up said paper while your eyes absorb the dirty written information. Bucky nearly gave you an answer to your naive words but once he saw you kneeling on the cold ground he closed his mouth, paying all attention on your small figure. Before he could tell you to rather focus on the plan his eyes caught on to the drops that hit the paper. Whatever the information was that you held in your hands, it must’ve been about you. 

 

_“I promise you, I will get out of here, and when I do, you will live to regret what you did to me and my family!”_

 

_“Hn, ‘family’...,” the short man laughed, and stepped back into the darkness._

 

Family. You‘d thought you had it all. You couldn’t remember of a time without them. Or was it a lie? The very first memory with your mom and dad - they‘d taught you how to ride a bike. Before that? Nothing, only darkness. 

 

Could it be?

 

That they had never been what you expected them to be? Howard and Maria. Father and mother. Tony... your brother? Did he know?

That everything had been a lie from the very start? 

 

You look at the paper in your hands once more, ignoring the silent sobs of yours and the tears running down your face. 

Since day one you’d been an experiment. No mother that had given birth to you. Your body, your mind - it all was raised and came out of a bottle. 

 

_‘To create the perfect human being.’_

 

Nothing about you was human after all, wasn’t it? The world you used to live in shattered again and again. With every new information the headache only worsened and the tears finally blurred your vision entirely. 

 

Why’d you dared to open the box of pandora? Why had you followed Bucky into this room? Why hadn’t you died along with your ‘parents’? Why had they adopted you? How had they found you, and when?

 

It was when Bucky grabbed the paper out of your hands that you felt safe. Not once did his eyes fall on the given information and instead he kneeled down in front of you, his human hand carefully resting on your shoulder. 

 

“Hey,” he spoke softly, “I don’t know what it is about, but we have to think straight now, remember? Once we’re out of this hell, I promise you I will listen to your words, if you need someone to talk to, of course. Okay?” 

 

You looked up and were met by his ice cold eyes but other than many people, you didn’t see the weapon behind these eyes. The way they looked at you, so caring and warm, you nearly would’ve thrown your entire being in his arms to feel free and safe. 

 

“Okay,” you replied with a voice still scratchy from the many shed tears. Bucky managed to send you a small yet strong smile before he stood up, holding out his metal hand to help you back on your feet. 

 

“Let’s get out of this hell.” 

 


End file.
